The Importance of Self-Love: Why Loving Yourself Changes Everything
Are you constantly searching for love and approval from outside of yourself? Maybe it’s from your parents, your partner, or your children. Maybe you grew up getting praised by coaches and teachers. This external love helps to temporarily fill a void within us, especially when it’s near constant since we’re getting it from all areas of our lives.
It’s what happens when we live in a society that teaches us to chase success, accomplishment, and beauty – we fall into the trap of external validation.
But what if the love we truly need has been right in front of us all along?
This is where self-love comes into play, and it’s one of the most powerful ways to heal yourself.
What Is Self-Love?
Self-love is not narcissism or selfishness. It’s simply about treating yourself with kindness, respect, and compassion – just like you would treat your closest friend. It’s the ability to recognize your own worth regardless of what’s happening in your life.
Self-love is also the very foundation of our relationship with ourselves.
Yes, you have a relationship with yourself.
In fact, this relationship is the only one you’ll have from the moment your first cell is formed until your very last breath. That makes it incredibly important.
Many people believe that self-love consists of external activities – like facials, massages, retail therapy, etc. But it actually is much deeper than that. It’s not at all about how you look; it’s about how you treat yourself and how you speak to yourself. It’s about acknowledging your worth on good days and bad days. True self-love comes from within. It’s about how you feel about yourself at your very core, not about the reflection in the mirror or what other people think.
My Self-Love Story
For most of my life, I didn’t love myself. In fact, I spent an embarrassing amount of time telling myself that I hated myself. I didn’t like who I was or where my life was going. When I wanted to try to forgive myself for mistakes I had made, I found it extremely difficult. Then, when I tried to accept all parts of myself, even after years, it wasn’t happening. So, I explored WHY forgiving and accepting myself was so difficult. What I found? I hated myself. And why would you accept or forgive someone you hated? You wouldn’t. Our most basic connection with ourselves is the love we give to ourselves.
Growing up, I was surrounded by independent women who didn’t ask for help. It was expected that I would be able to take care of myself. I put immense pressure on myself to be perfect all the time and never need anyone. People always told me that I was the one they never had to worry about. All this did was push me into people-pleasing mode. I lost myself trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. This, in turn, made me hate myself because I felt like I couldn’t be my true self. I became isolated, thinking that no one would like the real me since I had been putting on a show my whole life.
Fast forward to college, I realized that I couldn’t count on anyone else to love and respect me. I had to do it myself. So, I went through a long journey of finding out how to love my mind, body, and soul as best as I could. I’m still learning most days, but it gets better each day because I make it a priority to love myself.
The Science Behind Self-Love
Research shows that practicing self-love can lead to significant improvements in mental and physical health. Let’s go through just a snippet of these:
Reduced Stress and Anxiety: A study published in Health Psychology found that people who practice self-compassion have lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol (Breines & Chen, 2012).
Improved Mental Health: Self-love is associated with lower levels of depression and anxiety. A study in Psychological Science found that self-compassion helps individuals cope with failure and setbacks more effectively (Neff, Kirkpatrick, & Rude, 2007).
Better Relationships: When you love yourself, you set healthy boundaries and attract healthier relationships. According to research in The Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, people with high self-esteem experience greater relationship satisfaction (Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 2000).
Greater Resilience: Self-love helps you bounce back from challenges because you don’t tie your worth to external successes or failures.
Why External Love Isn’t Enough
We all want and deserve love from other people. But this love can be temporary and unpredictable. Friends move away, family is complicated, and relationships can come or go. People can let us down. We all are only human after all. And it’s not anyone else’s fault that you’re not getting the love that you deserve. There’s not a problem with THEM. It’s a problem with where you find the love you’re seeking.
But you know who can fix that? YOU.
Relying solely on external validation makes our happiness dependent on things outside of our control.
When we love ourselves, fully and deeply, it’s permanent. It’s the one source of love that never, ever leaves. When you cultivate a strong sense of self-worth, you don’t need to chase approval from others because you already have it within yourself. This is something within our control.
What a relief!
Simple Ways to Start Practicing Self-Love Today
I won’t lie to you – learning how to love yourself takes time and energy. It’s what we can build upon in your spiritual and emotional healing journey. But you don’t have to wait years to start loving yourself. Here are a couple of ways you can start to implement self-love into your life RIGHT NOW:
Practice Positive Self-Talk – Replace critical thoughts with kinder, more supportive ones. Instead of saying, “I’m not good enough,” try replacing it with “I am doing my best, and that is enough.”
Set Boundaries – Say no to things that drain you and yes to things that nourish you. Protect your time, energy, and well-being.
Take Care of Your Body – Nourish yourself with healthy food, get enough sleep, move your body, and rest when needed. Make sure to really listen to your body and don’t rely on what other people or media tells you that you should do.
Engage in Activities That Bring You Joy – Do things that make you happy, whether it’s reading, painting, dancing, or spending time in nature.
Forgive Yourself – Let go of past mistakes. You are human, and growth comes from learning, not from endless self-criticism.
Celebrate Your Wins—Big or Small – Acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how minor they seem. Every step forward counts.
Meditate and Practice Mindfulness – Taking a few moments each day to sit in stillness helps you connect with yourself and cultivate inner peace.
Somatic-Based Self-Love Practices – Since self-love isn’t just a mental practice, incorporating somatic (body-based) techniques can be powerful:
Breathwork – Deep, conscious breathing helps release tension and reconnects you with your body.
Somatic Movement – Gentle stretching, yoga, or even free-flow dancing can help you express self-love physically.
Body Scanning – A simple practice of scanning your body for tension and sending love to those areas can create a stronger mind-body connection.
Self-Touch & Comforting Gestures – Placing a hand on your heart, hugging yourself, or simply massaging your hands can signal safety and love to your nervous system.
All of these are practices, which mean that you have to do them regularly in order to see results. This isn’t a one and done type of situation (most things that bring the greatest healing aren’t). Choose one or two and stick with them for a few months, then see how you feel.
(PS - these are great self-soothing activities and if you want to learn more about how to self-soothe and why it’s so important, check out my Self-Soothing freebie.
The Life-Changing Benefits of Self-Love
When you make self-love a priority, your entire life shifts. These are just some of the amazing benefits of giving yourself true love:
You no longer keep repeating the toxic relationship cycles over & over again and finally find the love of your life.
You gain the confidence to wear the bikini to the beach and don’t even care what others are thinking.
Instead of crumbling into a pit of despair when your boss critiques your work, you show up like the professional you are and show up 10x better (probably on your way to a promotion as well).
You stop the doom scrolling & actually find hobbies that bring you happiness and fulfillment.
You inspire others to treat you with the same love and respect you show yourself.
Self-love is not a luxury—it’s a necessity. It’s the foundation for a healthy, happy life. When you stop seeking external validation and start nurturing love within, you unlock a new level of peace and confidence.
So today, choose to be your own biggest cheerleader. Give yourself the love and appreciation you’ve been waiting for from others. Because the most beautiful thing about self-love? It’s always there, no matter what.
Courtney Lillie, Somatic Empowerment Coach
References:
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Health Psychology, 31(5), 789-793.
Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K. L., & Rude, S. S. (2007). Self-compassion and adaptive psychological functioning. Journal of Research in Personality, 41(1), 139-154.
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (2000). Self-esteem and relationship satisfaction: The role of dependency. The Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 19(4), 462-483.
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